miss.interpret

 to quote SJP in SATC “the loneliness is palpable”. i am alone and lonely. I used to replace my romantic needs with work but now that work is taking a toll on me, I need something to replace work and fill up the void… an no I don’t eat chocolates and im trying to do away with ice cream so….

 

I desperately need something to happen. You know what, strike that and make it, Im desperate but nothing is happening.

 

Yes. Im alone and desperate and im just in my 20’s. how pathetic is that? So desperate in fact that I make myself believe that im crushing on someone that under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t even consider. It’s like, im playing a sick version of “trip to Jerusalem” and my heart is the chair. Whoever sat on it first gets to be my partner, no standards, no screening process and you don’t even have to spend 300 pesos to buy me coffee.

 

Let me prove my point.

 

Case 1:

I met this guy, he is a friend of a friend and we hanged out for a couple of times, you know, partying and all. It was all good, he doesn’t really say much but when he did, he most often than not makes sense which is a good thing. Plus the fact that he was cute. But the thing about it was, it got to the point where I was thinking about him all day, every day. It was so silly cause that’s something you do in high school not when you already have hair on your body where hair a should not grow. With me so far?

I actually caught myself day dreaming about him and it was not the day dreaming that a 15 year old girl would have. It was day-dreaming-borderline-American-psycho/stalker-ish. Seriously. I was thinking what our first date would be like. I was imagining what I would be like to be hugged by him (eeooww can believe im saying these things).

 

Case 2:

So im working in this company right? We have over 100 people working here and not one of them is drop-dead-drool-over-your-shirt good looking. They are pretty mediocre. But like any good economist would say, you make do even when things are scarce. So I did. Out of at least 30 guys in the company that im in, I picked out my top 3 and made myself believe that im crushing on ‘em. Yup, just to scratch the itch err… fill up the void, im manipulating and convincing myself that im crushing. Even though im not… or am I? (see it’s working)

 

a couple of days a ago my colleagues and i played this game (out of boredom) where a person ask a question whether it be  personal or what not and the whole group would need to answer them. its a  pretty lousy game but there’s this question that one of the person in the group asked that sticked in my head. he asked “what have you realized recently?”… i wont tell you how i answered that question anymore but ill tell you a few of the realizations that ive had for the past weeks that i haven’t been blogging. but a bit of a disclaimer, it takes time for me sometimes (no matter how smart i think i am) to realize stuff. know what im saying? im kinda slow… most of the time… specially about my personal life or maybe i do, i just DON’T want to face them …

anyway here they are …

1. that the guy that ive been crushing on for the past couple of months since i’ve met him doesn’t really like me - ok so maybe im a little delusional thinking that everybody wants me but there’s this guy that ive been crushing on who i thought was reciprocating the feeling but after a few weeks, i was proven wrong. sucks cause i really liked him and his uber dreamy gaze. oh well… guess a girl have nothing else to do but to move on and get over it…
2. that sometimes, most of the people that you think will stick up with you will leave you - so true… i thought that this person have my back but then again after the shit that i have been going through for the past couple of weeks, i didn’t even see that person’s shadow anywhere… again, sucks cause i thought we are not just coworkers but we’re actually friends but then again in this business, everyman is still for himself….
3. that coffee with my college friends is more that just exchanging opinions and reminicing about old stuff, its therapy -  kanto-tin   of it the past few weeks that ive been suffering from burn-out is because i didn’t have someone to talk to that’s not going to talk about work… know what im saying? everyone that ive been talking to lately are the same people that i’m working with… and our conversation basically revolves around the challenges our company is going through and creating strategies to address them… kinda fun but then again burn-out is inevitable if that’s all you do… another thing is that it’s such a release to talk lto my super smart and highly opinionated friends… im so lucky that i have ‘em and that i was able to keep the friendship… (miss you dre)
4. that those people who mocked my lapse in judgements when in comes to relationships are bound to eat their words- maui, mc and nessie … i rest my case (love you bitches!)
5. that holding hands with a guy that you like and sharing a seemingly ordinary 30-minute cab ride with him is so much better than  a weekend worth of fuckfest - and this is coming from someone who believes that sex trumps romance but after the recent experience that i had (a week full of fuckfest followed by the super kilig holding-hands-while-riding-a-cab-may-pa-sway-sway-pa), i would like to conclude that sex is not all that…
6. that family members, no matter how much you love them can sometimes get into your nerves - ok so my mom has been very busy with all these stuff to get her hands on to something… but kinda irritating and annoying if she’s asking me to be involve in some networking gig just for her to do something with her time and what is up with my sister stealing all my DVD collection and my pants? just because it fits her doesn’t mean she can take it from my closet…  arrgghhh…
7. that i deserve more than what im getting - im over-work and im underpaid … appreciation on what you’re doing can only do so much (i.e. boosting your ego and morale) it does not get you a starbucks planner

projection:  something i always do. live by thy mantra “every street, a runway.. every moment, a photoshoot“… and that’s exactly why i’m always projecting like a 10,000USD a day model…  funny cause i don’t remeber having a picture where im not aware its being taken…

alternate meaning: something dre made me realized last weekend up in malate during one of our coffee session… my crush?  you know that one that i wrote about?  actually looks like my “X” (and yes ichi, i didn’t realized the similiraties before dre pointed it out)… of course i argued with dre and told him they look totally different but kantutin of it… yeah they kinda do (yes X, that’s a compliment to you)… so was i really projecting my “x’s” looks? hmmm.. maybe i should look for another crush and see what he looks like

travelin’:  is not for me. after spending 3 days here in cebu, i realized that im not one of those people who can go backpacking in some desserted island somewhere. i don’t really talk to the locals and i don’t want to roam around to discover the place… sad… but i kinda made myself believed that i love to travel… guess the overpacking problem that i had since i was a cute little kid (adjective necessary for clarity) is a sign enough to prove the recent realization

gyming: (is that event a word?) is something i would like to try. yes i know, i used to hate people who goes to the gym (err… who gyms, yes! let’s make it a verb) but since im a self-proclaimed shallow/superficial fag might as well  do it… i couldn’t go any  lower than superficial right?  guess i just need to find a gym where people are nice and decent, the gym area is for errr.. gyming/working out and not for cruising  and the locker rooms are for well.. what a locker room is for.. ’til then… ill just keep on playing that belly dancing and DIY yoga DVD that i have at home

after  long months of haitus, maui finally decided to meet with us again with some news (she’s neither pregnant or getting married as a matter of fact it’s the exact opposite).  she’s not with child but there is something inside her puny-sorry-excuse of a body, a stone in her kidney, and she’s not wearing an expensive ring on a very important finger, she just broke up with basty (die in hell from hurting my friend you cute a-hole [call me?]).

 

i don’t exactly know what to feel about it when i  heard the news, i mean, i’m her friend, i’m supposed to feel something. but alas (i will die not knowing how to use this word), i was indifferent.  it was like reading one of those forwarded text quotes  from yanie, you read through and and press delete, nothing really sticks. i thought, why should i care if their relationship failed? she never really exerted any effort to vicariously involve us in it. you know what i mean? she doesn’t want us to be there when they were together and then suddenly i’m suppose to care when it was all falling apart? but dre insisted that we should be there for maui and so i agreed to meet them for coffee, for the coffee and dre…

…

…

…

so i sat there at starbucks reposo in makati (never coming back) listening to maui’s version of the story and it struck me, that was me 2 years ago   (starbucks megastrip). the only difference is that it was maui, not me, hurting and looking for a friend to listen. the story was the same (cheating boyfriends), the questions were the same (should i take him back?) and the harsh-pull-you-to-reality opinions from friends were err… the same (too verbatim as a matter of fact, we should have just recorded it the first time so we can just listen to it now and enjoy our coffee instead of talking while smoking). while listening to what maui was really saying (minus the noise coming out of her mouth , subtext? anyone?), i was suddenly flushed with guilt. sure maui was against geof (first time he cheated) all along but she was still there despite my stupidity.

 

so here’s my public apology from maui:

 

maui. i love you girl and i am deeply sorry for being indifferent. i was just hurt that you didn’t allow me to be your friend when you needed one but to quote dre “she’s a scorpio” and i understand if you wanted to take some time out before telling us about it. if you will need me again, ill be there, just not in starbucks reposo…

 

there… guilt-free.

youth they say is wasted on the young. we take everything in excess and we take everything for granted. we do not value time, money, our job, our relationships, hell we don’t even value our life (excessive smoking? anyone). we are young and we have everything we ever wanted and we assume that it’s going to last forever.

i am growing old. indeed, i am going through a quarter-life crisis. my hair is thinning out, i’m starting to hate my job, i no longer look at money based on what i can do with them but what it can do for me. I’m loosing friends. i-am-aging.

for the good part of the first 15 years of our lives we dreamed of what we could become. some wanted to shape the world, others wanted to set their mark in society, some just wanted to have a normal life and raise money for their family. we graduate from college, work for a couple of years and then we get there.

gone are the days of our parents when they have to enslave themselves before they can have the luxury to travel. 20-something kids do that just about every month. we no longer wait for Christmas and/or our birthdays before we can buy new clothes, we shop every week (yes, i have a very simple parameter for success). we are there. we’re only in our 20S and we have, almost, realized our dreams. so what do we do for the nest 30 or so years?

i’m seriously crushing. i can’t seem to get this smile off my face. i stop for a second and i think of him. this is so high school.

(blonde wig on)

ok. so do you remember those kilig moments you have back in high school when you feel like floating in cloud 9 everytime you get a glimpse of your crush? those moments when you pretend to listen to your physics professor  but what your really thinking about is your exchange of small talk down at the cafeteria? those moments when while your watching that hotdog commercial about this kid talking to her diary about her crush and you smile not because it’s funny but because you actually feel the same way at  that exact moment? do you remember what that feels like?  that’s exactly what i’m feeling and i’m loving it.

this is suppose to be a good thing except for the fact that im actually in my 20’s which in my circle is not an appropriate age to be crushing. i’m having quaterlife crisis of crying out loud. people are not allowed to have a crush past the age of 18. it’s borderline pathetic.

but i can’t help it. i embrace the moment.

like my high school crush though, this one is also super cute, you know, those dreamy unguarded eyes, the welcoming smile, illegally hot body, and a brain to boot. in short, he is totally beyond my league and definitely unattainable. but what the "f" right? i mean, it’s not like im in love with him. this is just one of those temporary high to get me through this slow death of a torture that i am in. or is it?

get this, i have only seen him twice and it’s been weeks since i last saw him. however, his face, the times (no matter how limited and contrived) that i have spent with him are etched in my head.  temporary high my skinny ass.

and i’m still smiling.

see, that’s exactly what having a crush can do to you. the feeling is so impulsive, so fresh, so … raw, that even if i try to be my cynical-shallow-self, i still find myself daydreaming. fabricating this idea of him. imaging what he’s like, imaging our first date, stuff that will usually make me cringe. this is so not me. and you know how i know that i really seriously like him? i don’t fantasize about him. which is weird. i don’t even think about the stuff that you should be thinking about if your crush happens to be h-o-t hot! that scares me. cause i know exactly what that means. i’m loosing control. i just want to drown myself in the memories (pathetic much?)

arrghhh… i shouldn’t even be crushing. i’m suppose to be pretty jaded. pretty but jaded (sorry can’t help it).

i’m really trying to be mature here. nothing really surprises me anymore. but this?  it make me act like i’m back in those  smoking-marijuana-in-the-school-lot-obsessing-over-the-fact-that-i-can’t have-him days.

after two weeks of crying over my relationship, of contemplating OD, of drinking on an empty stomach, i am finally happy again. and no, this is not one of those pretend emotion i’m notorious of pulling off. this is real damn it. seriously, my face literally hurts from being so kilig. it’s not even one of those pretend crushing over piolo pascual or jake cuenca.

so what do i plan of doing about it, you asked? nothing. writing about him is as far as i’m capable of doing. look let’s be serious here, he is in a relationship (or at least i think he is. source told me they’re going through a rocky phase). but that’s beside the point. i win people with my personality over long period of time. do i really expect that he could like me?          exactly. he is down right unattainable.

i guess you can say that i’m just thankful. thankful for the fact that my days are filled with thought of him (can you say creepy) and not of my ex’s. he was the reason that shook me out of my depression.

life can really throw you a curve ball. one day i was crashing from all my emotional diarrhea and now i’m completely crushing on someone.

what is it about me my crushes that they always resemble piolo pascual?  i have absolutely no idea.

i’m putting myself out there. yes, i’m facing one of my greatest fear. i’m going to date.

i know that it’s a judgmental, shallow world. people judge you for the most simplest stupidest flaw. but hell, if there’s one thing i’m good at that’s judging. so why not face the miror and judge myself, before other people does. better than me that them right? so here it is. all my flaws. all the weird stuff about me. available to be read by everybody. ready to be mock.

1.     i’m overflowing with emotional trash but i’m still not into drugs, i still don’t have a drinking problem, and i don’t use sex with strangers as a get-away vehicle to make me forget. yes. i am a fluke in the gay community. i am an anomaly.

2.     if i’m really really broke and i only have 500 pesos to spend for the day and i have a meeting in makati, i would rather starve myself and not eat but i will still take a cab to get there, i will still drink extra hot venti cafe mocha and i will still be funny. it’s my thing. i’ve had this unbelievably traumatic experience with public transport and i have yet to get over it.

3.    i don’t date. i can’t. i wont. my self-esteem can’t handle rejection. besides, i have yet to receive an invitation. so for the mean time that’s my story and i’m sticking to it.

4.    i treat every moment as a photoshoot and every street a runway. so i’m always projecting. and i’m always strutting. i’m not really sure why. it’s like an impulse or something.

5.     i have this tendency to use a quote from a movie or a tv series during conversations with friends. they told me it’s annoying.

6.     i have an uncontrollable need for validation. i crave for people attention and approval.

7.     i will only like something if other people likes it too. that’s why i don’t buy my own clothes. i asked my sisters to do it for me. i need them to like it before i wear it.

8.     i judge people who wears/ owns/ or think about buying LEE jeans.

9.     before going out of the house, some people will check the mirror and check if they look good but i don’t. i check the mirror and to make "pintas" myself. better from to hear it from me.

10.    i don’t wear perfume or deodorant and i still smell good. it’s a gift.

11.    i have a thing for underarms.

12.    i apply 3 to 4 products on my lips…at the same time. lip balm with SPF, lip tint, lip gloss and lip moisturizer. i am a freak. maybe that’s why i’m always pouting.

13.    i always tell people that i’m only 20-teen. it’s an impulse answer. i’m actually 23 but i look like i’m 27. what’s wrong with this picture?

14.    i have 3 scars in my right leg so close together that they resemble a hidden mickey.

15.    i read tagalog pocketbooks, if they’re available. it’s one of my guilty pleasures.

16.    no matter how much i pig out, it’s still hard for me to gain weight. jealous?

17.    i wear thick socks to bed and i completely cover myself with a thick blanket even if its really hot and humid.

18.    i have a thing for the number 8.

19.    i hate the numbers 3,6,7 and 9.

20.    i can seat on my couch and do a 10-hour movie marathon without eating.

21.    i love going to the movies but i refuse to spend 200 pesos for a movie ticket to watch tagalog films. sorry…

22.    i can’t tell what’s my right from my left.

(to be continued…)

disclaimer: blog entry may include very sexually descriptive scene. this entry is not for the faint of heart. so if you think that TMI’s are not for you.             then stop.             ok you’re still reading. well, as long as we’re clear and you have time to read.    

 

i warned you…

7:00am, Aug 2, 2008,  my room

as im writing this blog i have just asked a guy, who i just had my first ONS with,  to leave. yes i did it. i finally did it. after all the hours spent talking to my friends about how i cannot conjure the strength to spend a night with someone i barely know, i finally threw out all reasons out the window and decided to try it.    so indulge me by telling you all. Here’s what happened.

august 1st

went to starbucks adriatico to grab a cup of coffee with my good friend Andre. but i must say that i went to malate with the intentions of hooking up with a guy. i have the house all to  myself for the weekend and  i   just ended a long term    relationship. i was a man with a plan that night.

believe me when i say that, there were a lot of prospects but i knew that it’s just not going to happen. for  several reason, first i dont have the guts to approach someone and introduce myself, second, my outfit was too gay (i am by no means a transsexual but i was wearing a tight pants and a too tight for comfort green shirt). did i mention i was also wearing one of those trendy scarf?! so needless to say i was screaming fagot.         the word    gay was written all over me. and lastly, which is probably one of the best reason i can give is , i was with my friend Dre, which if you know who we are, says alot.

so anyway, i went home that night, empty handed. lay down my sad cold bed and decided that its probably  not going to happen for me. maybe ill just wait another 2 years or so until another man finds his way to me before i can have sex again. (i was single for 2 years back in college before i  met my last partner [damn him] he he). so i was pretty complacent. not exactly happy about it but what the hell can a fabulous gay guy like me do?? so i waited.

but i didn’t have to wait that long. people, there is a God!

Aug 2

went to visit yanie and yanie’s new baby for the 2nd time this week. it was fun since ajoy was there, a friend whom i haven’t seen since forever. but that reunion is another story. so we chatted for a while and by 1pm i hailed myself a cab and went home. again empty handed.

little did i know that, my friend, whose name i dont want to divulge, was doing his part being a  "good friend" and an  angel might i add.  He  was  doing all the dirty work of finding me a guy.          on-line.   (pathetic? i know)    hey, i warned you.

so there i was getting ready for bed, brushing  my teeth, washing  the city off my face and putting on my old white shirt and baggy shorts. by 2:30 in the morning, i received a message from "my friend" inviting me out to his apartment for a drink. got a little excited because i really dont want to end my night just yet but the bad weather got the best of me. so i made a lame excuse and decided to pass. "my friend" understood. and i went to bed. by 4:oo in the morning, still wide awake, i received another message from "my friend" saying that there is this guy in his pad who is interested to meet me.                 but again, being the pussy that i am, i told him that itz too late in the evening for meeting new people. persistent,  by 4:30 in the morning my phone rang and i got a call from an unknown number, a guy was screaming against the chatting crowd, trying to introduce himself  to me. he said that he was really intrigued on what  "my friend" told him about me. i said that it was  probably exaggerated and urge him not to believe what "my friend" said. he probably got the hint  that im such a big  wuss and decided to play it differently. out of nowhere   he began   talking about the dirty stuff he wanted to do to me. i know, its creepy for some people to have that kind of conversation at an ungodly hour of the day but i find it to be very hot. so i invited him over. i figured it was high time to put my virginal self back in the closet. dont judge me, to my defense it was raining, hard, and he sounded like he was too.  he said that he can’t wait to meet me and 20 minutes later, at 5:00 in the morning  he was at my doorstep.

here comes the disgusting part… i highly suggest that you grab yourself a drink or light a smoke

as that was my first time to do it, i really have no clue on what i was doing. i mean i’m no virgin but all the sexual experiences that Ive had involves long hours of talking and a commitment (yes, you may think im a slut, i may sound like and talk like a slut, but im not. it’s a one way mirror my friend). i didn’t know how to "facilitate" the whole thing. should i talk to him or just start "attacking" him immediately?            good thing he was a little drunk (no i was not taking advantage, thank you very much, he came to my place remember?) so i led him to my room and for a good couple of seconds or so he was just staring at me and i, trying to avoid his eyes, was fidgeting with my phone (truth be told i was looking for a good erotic background). lights off.

i lay down my bed, can barely see a thing, and he started to kiss me… err…. make that licking my face. "this is it" i told myself. there is no backing out now.

wait… is this safe?? while this guy was aggressively licking my eyebrows, there i was with 10,000 questions  running in my head.   but like a   real trooper that i am, i pulled myself together and put myself in the moment.   i    caught myself with my mouth open and him, still licking.            ok so let’s pause for a sec and try to see what’s wrong with this picture    … i have a very concrete idea of how i want sex to be like  and it does not include the licking-the-face.   but hey, if he can do all this to my face, wonder what he can do to my va-jay-jay

but just as i was starting to get the hang of it, it dawned  on me, this guy doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. this is bad… all around bad. but let’s not be anti-climatic. pun intended.

sure you’re ready for this?? AGAIN I WARNED YOU….

i decided to take matters into my own hand (and by matters i mean…) and  told myself to let the one who is sober to  take the lead, which in this case was me (although i had 2 to 3 bottles at yanie’s). went down on him and was dumbfounded when what looks like a wall of flesh was staring me in the face. to say that he is big is clearly an understatement. i totally did not see this coming. i mean, sure he’s tall but  he have    a relatively average built.

i have told my friends a couple of times that my sex life with my ex was getting a little too generic, i even mentioned that im so familiar with his thingie that i have molded my mouth to an exact fit. know what im saying???  im used to the size of my exs thingie,   if that make sense. but i didn’t realize how true that statement was until im faced with… well…. a different thingie, a bigger thingie (Im sorry…).

it was a good thing gone sour. in the middle of the groping and the licking-my-face, i suddenly felt like i was splashed with cold water. i suddenly realized the purpose of what i was doing. i mean sure i was having my first ONS, but beyond that i was indulging myself on my revenge sex. and just when i realized it, all the fun and excitement that i knew this experience will bring, were no longer important. i was doing it for all the wrong reasons. i thought i was ready but i was not. im not cut out for this. its just that, it felt so different. to make love without the love involve. i mean, i can’t kiss him and do the  you-know-what with  him the way i want to, mainly because i dont love or even feel anything for this guy. and no matter how hot he is, or how tempting his thingie is, i can’t force myself to do the you-know-what…. i just can’t. (it’s so Charlotte… i know)

no, i didn’t cry while we were doing it but i just found myself unable to satisfy this man and i felt so selfish.  so  selfish that i was using this person to help me deal with  a pain that im suppose to deal with on my own. i know that is how some other people do it, sleeping with someone to forget things, but i find it superficial. so you know what i did??  i did what any wrestlers or prostitutes do best. i faked it (it’s easy to do actually, if like me you have theater background and  your room is barely lit you cannot see a thing). so he came and i pretended to came. got out of bed cleaned myself with my trusty tissues stolen from starbucks and my lifetime supply of 70% alcohol. i went back to bed where he is still lying, he kissed me on the neck and told me how good i was (good actor you mean) and he  asked me if it was good for me too… i decided not to answer the question. pretended it was rhetorical.

but as he stepped out of the house, it got me thinking, was it really good for me???  i mean just a couple of days ago i was so depressed i couldn’t even get myself to get out of bed and then suddenly i was taking slut for a profession.

i mean sure the guy was cute, not exactly drool-all-over-my-shirt cute and kudos to the  …  well…  big thingie. so under any circumstances i could have enjoyed my night with him, although i would have to do something about the kissing, but nevertheless  it could have been a great experience.  so why wasn’t it??

it kills me to think that all  this problem is caused by one simple reason, that i dont just want  sex, what  i want  is to have sex with my ex  (there i said it, damn it).  after over 2 weeks of late night conversations over coffee with friends, after all the nights spent listening to Mariah’s new album (fav track:  I’m still in love, thanks for nothing and I wish you well),  after all those conversations that I had with myself telling  myself that im better off without him,  im still not over him… (it’s either that or im just over thinking this). 

i think it’ll be better if i just take my time to let it hurt  just  little bit more before i put myself out there again. cause no matter how i try to cover it up with a smile, i still am … vulnerable.      i just need more time to embrace the reality of it all.   so that the next time im going to do it,                  i dont have to answer another  10,000 questions in my head.           so i can just be in the moment…            and as for the guy that i have had my first ONS with??  well… i have his number…   but dont expect to hear from me soon. it is after all just for one night.

4:00 am

07/30/08

i know how you don’t want me to be melodramatic, to sound like i’m speaking right out of the movies. But I’m afraid that eventually, somewhere in this letter, i will.

A couple of weeks ago i stumbled upon what seemed to me, at the time, you being too friendly with a familiar face. But i guess, subconsciously, i knew that it was more than that. And it was.

we’ve been playing this charade, you and i. honestly, i never trusted that you’re not going to cheat on me again… Believe me i wanted to trust you, so bad i disregarded all reasons…

i knew that I’m not strong or even stable enough to endure another one of our philandering.          I’m still not.          that is why i opted to participate in this partially existing relationship.

…

the last time that you went here [my place], i knew that something was up. you were acting differently but part of me wanted to ignore every red flag and figured that if it’s true, you will tell me.             that you care enough not to lie.             but who was i kidding?

I’m not writing you this letter so i can make you feel bad about yourself.          i don’t.               well… maybe a little.             I’m writing this letter because this is the only way to which i can express my pain.           you see, i can’t talk to anyone about what I’m going through anymore. they have tried to talk me out of this for a while now but i acted against my better judgment.           thought i can rationalize out if it.           it felt like a routinary process.               a vicious circle that i can’t get myself-out of. I’m contradicting myself…i know.           i mean how many times have you done this to me anyway?

forgive me if i have to write this letter, you see, this paper is the only willing audience i have.

…

i wish that i can wish (err…) your relationship good luck. i wish I’m a better person and say that.          I’m not.              I’m hurting.           i think I’m allowed to loathe.             i also wish that i can go through the day without stopping for a moment with the image of you and him creating memories, making love the way we used to.

our anniversary went by and i got no words from you.         i wasn’t expecting any but i was hopeful (can you say pathetic?)              i hate you for reminding of our anniversary. it went by last year without me even noticing….                   a couple of months ago you asked me for my plans on our anniversary.           i told you i didn’t have any.        then you narrated all this things that you wanted to do. i hate that those plans are etched in my head.            it shouldn’t have been this difficult now have you not done so.

I’m mature enough to realize that a relationship is a two way traffic. it takes two to start one, to build one and to end one.           forgive me if failed to give you what you were looking for.           to you, i will never be enough. you will always look for something else, something that i can never give and i’ll hate myself for not being able to give it.               that’s actually one of the reason why i didn’t insist on a commitment.              my self-esteem is not high enough. i can’t hate myself everyday.

it comes in waves you know.                this pain.                                    this seemingly never ending suffering.                         there’s lull and then another wave hits you.                      it’s not even difficult. it’s unbearable.

i just have one request though and this is why I’m posting a part of this letter in my blog.                please,       don’t talk to me to explain.                  i’m a little bit of a masochist, as you are already aware of.               But I guess           I’m better off without knowing anything… at least for now…                      as i said, it comes in waves.                I’m dealing with one right now and I’m not sure i can take another blow… not just yet…

and oh, whoever said love is never wrong is obviously mistaken.     it’s wrong when   you deliberately hurt someone that you care for…. or maybe he’s right…                        why should i even think that you still care for me at all………

MY life… sucks. Let me tell you why:

I’m bored. People should create a new word for boredom because sadly I’ve overuse it. I’m stuck here in the province left with nothing else to do. Yes, we have a computer here at home but really, how many times can one watch x-tube and its appealing contents? The company has been waiting for a response from our Clients abroad regarding the grant that they were suppose to send, fortunately, according to my boss, they’ve already wired in the money and so we can start working on the project that we should have been working on for the past 4 months now (that was a very long sentence, sense my frustration?). But anyway, being the optimist that I am, I decided to wait. So I am waiting… I trust them…

My mom is here. She’s been here for two months now. She’s no longer going out of the country. Believe me for someone who grew up for 23 years without a parent beside you all the time (and by beside you I mean, that person can reach you without flipping open her passport) it’s pretty stressful and fun to have her beside you (yes, I  try to catch up on lost time by sleeping beside her, I’m gay what can you do) all of a sudden. Of course a lot of things had happen during those time when she was away so needless to say all of the screw up stuff that I did before, are making its way into our conversations. We reminisce not in a funny let’s-talk-about-the-outrageous-experiences-you-had kinda way but in a you-fool-what-the-hell-were-you-thinking approach. So my days go by trying to dodge ball those conversations.

You may not know about it but the only time I bother to write and post a blog in this shithole are during those times when I’m really pissed about something. Needless to say, today I am. Remember that post I had talking about my partially existent romantic relationship? Well guess what I saw something today that got me fired up. Again, it’s ok for my partner to do whatever it is that he wants, just be straight to me about it.

So there goes the three reasons why I hate my life right now. I know it’s pretty lame considering the problems of the world but hey, it’s my world and everyone is just living in it.